right one could probably be boiled down to:
heavy oversimplification warning
if anyone involved has their set of values / demands / needs met / heard / respected, with some room to
push each other forward — not like climbing the everest everyday, more of learning how to take smooth turns
grow — enjoy the things you enjoy, learn the skill you are learning, read the thing you want to read, self-discoveries, sharing experiences from your journeys
fail — nothing better forming in a relationship than some of those simple human fuckups sprinkled on top, especially valuable if the side doing the fucking up can do the cleaning up part too, or at least is learning (or willing to learn) how to do it.
quality time together — the more easily it happens, the better, but this takes time to learn and polish
bonus: one of the greatest indicators about what type of a person is on your side is how they react to your tiny wins and small joys. If they jump on board and enjoy them with you — that’s one of the healthiest indicators of long term relationship potentials. You like flowers, they will smile almost any time you enjoy gardening or talking about that one beautiful one you saw the other day. They like painting, you will just feel great seeing them covered with paint…
and so on — “I am team you” approach can get you through a lot, not everything automagically, but most of the obstacles down the road.
wrong one? Oh, we don’t have enough space on the internet to write all that down.
bonus: besides some heavily narcissistic or sociopathic partners, having the “is it working? / is it the right person?” thought process / verification is really great and often indicates that it is time for you, someone or everyone involved to grow a little, or a lot…
or sometimes just brings even more appreciation for the partner
Not sure to understand the question? How could you not know?
If you’re thinking about finding the ‘perfect’ partner, forget about that. It’s a lie. It’s something fabricated to sell ads, page views and subscriptions to shitty services. Nobody (including you and me), nobody is perfect. So, no relationship can be perfect.
My spouse and I have been together for 25+ years and counting. It was quite obvious very early on we’re fitting together nicely but that was far from being a perfect match and we had a few rough times and, all those years later, we can still have. But we’ve quickly realized how lucky we were to have found each other, and we valued that enough to get over any difficulty or hardship. And we still do.
So, to me that’s a ‘right relationship’, just not ‘the’ right one as we could as easily have both been as happy with someone else if things had been different ;)
I second you on the point about a “perfect partner”. However I still think a relationship can be “perfect”, because a relationship is much more than just the two people involved.
As long as we accept that no realistic relationship is completely without conflict, I would say that a “perfect relationship” involves being able to work through the issues that inevitably show up. It’s something you build together, not something you just have.
My impression is that the current “dating economy” breaks this perception a bit, to the point where a lot of people end up looking for the “perfect partner” that they automatically form the “perfect relationship” with, and aren’t willing to do much hard work to build that relationship. I don’t think that kind of “perfect relationship” (without any work) exists.
As long as we accept that no realistic relationship is completely without conflict, I would say that a “perfect relationship” involves being able to work through the issues that inevitably show up. It’s something you build together, not something you just have.
Isn’t it what I just wrote? Real question (my English is lacking so…)
I didn’t mean to come off as disagreeing with you, I think we generally agree. My point was that I think there can be such a thing as a “perfect relationship”, as long as we have a realistic idea of what that entails. I definitely agree that the idea of a “perfect relationship” that a lot of media tries to sell us is completely unrealistic though.
Your english is great btw :)
I didn’t mean to come off as disagreeing with you
You did not, sorry if I made you think so ;)
My point was that I think there can be such a thing as a “perfect relationship”, as long as we have a realistic idea of what that entails.
The second part of your sentence make it so we can fully agree.
I definitely agree that the idea of a “perfect relationship” that a lot of media tries to sell us is completely unrealistic though.
It’s so toxic. It was already a thing when I was a teen but it was nothing compared to what it has morphed into since the last 20-15 years or so. Today, I see so many young people not just completely lost, they’re afraid to even try to live something, anything. More and more of them are also completely destroyed, crushed by that relentless bombardment of ‘perfection’ everywhere. Our society is killing humanity in its young, what kind of society is OK with doing that?
I’m not that old myself (in my 50s) but I’m old enough to not worry much about the impact of that trend on my own existence but I feel so sorry, and angry, for those younger generations as they have absolutely no idea what have been stolen from them. They have no idea what they’re giving away in exchange of nothing but a mirage on a shiny screen.
A bit like with porn becoming the new normal way young people experiment with sex. I mean, I’m fine with people fapping at whatever they fancy but what’s going on is more than just fapping. It’s an over consumption of… human meat. And that over-consumption is depriving them of something much more precious. Making love was never about fucking someone or fantasizing about such or such anatomical detail or some fetish or another. Here again, I’m sad for them because they’re the ones losing out. Badly… I was tempted to say “they’re the one being screwed” but I thought maybe that would not be OK :p
Your english is great btw :)
Thx :)
Your English is great!
The wrong relationship one is a tricky thing to answer
For me, it has always been when the happiness they bring during the good times isn’t worth the pain of the bad
When it’s right, it’s impossible to pin down
I have the most amazing fiancée in the world.
I’ve been married for many years, I’ve had other serious relationships
This woman is everything to me. Colours are brighter, food tastes better, flowers, sunrises, mountain views and all the other beautiful things are more wonderful because of her
It’s like I was seeing the world with a dimmer before she came into my life
That’s why I know she is right for me
I also choose this guys fiancé
She’s something special. She is spectacularly gorgeous, she turns heads everywhere we go, but she’s only beautiful to me because of what she carries within her. She is the kindest and most compassionate person I have known
Her eyes are so bright that they put a summer’s day to shame, and in her eyes I can see her inner beauty shining through
She has had many guys ask her to marry them.
Rich, powerful, successful guys
She couldn’t care less. She has the biggest heart, and she’s true to what she believes in
I’m the luckiest bastard on Earth
Hey… are you 100% sure she isn’t playing both of us? I was with her all of last week, but she’s on a business trip this week, that doesn’t happen to match up with when you’ve been with her I hope?
jk
This woman is everything to me. Colours are brighter, food tastes better, flowers, sunrises, mountain views and all the other beautiful things are more wonderful because of her
That sounds nice but be careful. You’re talking about another human being here, not just a source of endorphins.
Make sure you don’t neglect your own inner light. You are worthy on your own.
Red Flags and Green Flags.
Really, it’s all about compatability.
One of the big red flags is how your partner treats “the help”. Do they acknowledge the receptionists? The wait staff? Do they tip well?
If they’re a complete asshole, and you aren’t, that’s a sign it’s never going to work.
OTOH - if you’re BOTH assholes, you’ll probably get along fine, everyone else is spitting in your food, but together you’ll be fine.
If you feel alone in your head, ask yourself whether the issue is that you don’t feel heard by your partner, or if you don’t share enough with your partner
I’ll keep it as simple as possible: How do you feel? Not minute to minute, but, overall. Like that quote from Maya Angelou that says, “people forget what you said, people forget what you did, but they always remember how you made them feel”. If looking back on a relationship you realize you have too much heartache, that’s the wrong relationship.
Do you trust them? Can you talk about anything with them? Is the sex good? Can you be honest to eachother? Are you happy?
If all are yes, you are in the right relationship.
The people around you likely have a better understanding of it than you do. I’d argue that, deep down, you do know - but you don’t want to believe it if it feels like you’re not. Then a year after the breakup, you realize that you did, in fact, know all along.
Also keep in mind that “the right person” doesn’t exist. Everyone has their flaws. It’s a matter of what you’re willing to deal with.
Wrong is a bit hard for me, maybe because “every happy couple is the same, while every unhappy one is unhappy in their own unique way” (para-quote from Tolstoy I think).
To me, I know what I have is right because I honestly feel like every joy we share is doubled, while every problem we share is halved. It’s a cliche, but I honestly mean it. When I’m happy with her, it makes me twice as happy just to see that she is happy. I honestly feel like the greatest joy in the world to me is to see her be happy. Likewise, if something is wrong, I want to help her in a way I’ve never experienced with anyone else, and can feel in my whole body that we’re in this together.
This doesn’t mean that we never get mad at each other, but when we do, we’ve always ended up remembering that, at the end of the day, we’re the most important thing in the world to each other. Whatever issues we’ve had, we’re in it together to solve them.
To round off with Tolstoy: I guess “wrong” would be if any of the above didn’t apply for whatever reason, that reason being unique in every case.
Are you happy?
