The Internet appears to equivocate female dominance with a selfish, cruel, and controlling dominatrix figure. I’m sure it works well for people who are fascinated with power itself, but for me, I am interested in power only when it is used altruistically in the form of affectionate protection and care. I prefer something deeply humanizing, benevolent, and connected rather than something dehumanizing, malevolent, and disconnected.
EDIT: I’m also aware of the label “gentle femdom,” but from what I’ve seen in practice, much of the content under this label is the same kinds of power plays but less overtly cruel. In general, anything that restricts or denies pleasure or hints that the female partner is emotionally disconnected or taking advantage of the submissive partner is a huge turn-off for me. I’m looking for something that feels romantic and genuine. It would be nice if there was a label that specifically implied pure romantic connotations and excluded edgy “bad girl” behavior. What I’m looking for is more like, as someone commented, a golden retriever woman who’s confident and eager.
The hottest thing to me is a big cuddly woman spoiling her partner with affection and wrapping him up safe and snug with her body. She’s totally in control, but she’s devoting herself to her partner’s enjoyment and making him feel completely loved and protected. She’s effectively a protagonist, embodying strength, agency, and ultimate good.
And, I don’t know. I guess I was just expecting that to be more common. Perhaps this is just a product of the fact that most adult entertainment is produced for mass consumption and tends to focus more on the visuals and mechanics of sex instead of the emotional side of it. But that doesn’t explain the fact that there is tons of NSFW art for lots of different niches. So, I don’t really know.
What do you think? Have you observed these trends yourself? Do you have your own theory? Am I just bad at searching? Should I touch grass? I’d like to know your thoughts.
Leslie Knope energy.
“a big cuddly woman spoiling her partner with affection and wrapping him up safe and snug with her body. She’s totally in control, but she’s devoting herself to her partner’s enjoyment and making him feel completely loved and protected. She’s effectively a protagonist, embodying strength, agency, and ultimate good” sounds like a mommy fetish tbh, replace partner with child and body with arms and it’s just a mom spending quality time with you
I really don’t want to believe this is what it actually is because of the shame and stigma, but I also can’t help but notice that it lines up perfectly with the fact that I was emotionally neglected in childhood and may never have experienced the things I’m attracted to…
A lot of mommy kink stuff weirds me out, though. I feel like I gravitate more towards “confident golden retriever best friend” types, perhaps because I don’t like the idea of an all-powerful dom partner and I want to take the lead sometimes too.
What you’re looking for is “gentle femdom”. Porn in general skews aggressive and performative, probably because that type of sex is easier to visualize than tender, loving emotions felt between a couple. The former is easier to watch without having to relate to it. The latter is more entertaining to experience than to watch.
I edited my post because I forgot to mention that I went down the gentle femdom rabbit hole before.
EDIT: I’m also aware of the label “gentle femdom,” but from what I’ve seen in practice, much of the content under this label is the same kinds of power plays but less overtly cruel. In general, anything that restricts or denies pleasure or hints that the female partner is emotionally disconnected or taking advantage of the submissive partner is a huge turn-off for me. I’m looking for something that feels romantic and genuine. It would be nice if there was a label that specifically implied pure romantic connotations and excluded edgy “bad girl” behavior.
It is closer to what I want, but I’m looking for something with explicitly wholesome and romantic connotations, and I can’t seem to find a good label for that. I appreciate the response, though!
How would you express both dominance and romance/affection at once? In your post you gave an example of “a big cuddly woman spoiling her partner with affection…” - Two people in a relationship might know the woman is the dominant one, but from a viewer’s perspective it just looks like cuddling. Those are the nuances that are hard to express to a viewer.
The two most obvious visual indicators are:
- The woman is physically larger than the man and settles on top of him, gently pinning him beneath her weight. The visual size difference and ability to immobilize him convey dominance, while the visual of cuddling conveys affection.
- The woman showers her partner with a one-sided deluge of big, messy, exaggerated kisses. The large coverage, firmness, and one-sidedness of her kisses convey dominance, while the visual of kissing conveys affection.
Most of the affection is expressed through emotions and dialogue, while most of the dominance occurs on the physical level. However, every physical action takes on the aesthetics of affection in the form of a visually recognizable cuddle or kiss. It’s just that these cuddles and kisses happen to also be big and powerful.
One of the most common examples of this in popular culture is the bear hug. The recipient is helplessly enveloped in a big, squeezing hug delivered with purely loving intent. These qualities—largeness, strength, envelopment, and loving intent—are the core of this brand of dominance, and every action is imbued with them. That translates into big strong cuddles and kisses, and lots of them at that.
Uhhh…
I think you’re right, and I think the problem is that many people equate dominance with aggression, especially physical aggression, and even more especially abusive aggression. It can be really difficult to break someone of this misconception, and popular media (e.g. “Fifty Shades of Grey”) really hasn’t helped.
It is perfectly possible to be controlling with soft power (more of a straitjacket than a bludgeon) but this is more subtle and more difficult to portray in a visual format, regardless of the gender(s) of the characters involved. You’re more likely to find what you’re looking for in written format than visual, because written description handles subtlety better than video.
Subtlety requires time almost by default, and most forms of visual adult media are about quick gratification.
many people equate dominance with aggression, especially physical aggression
It is perfectly possible to be controlling with soft power (more of a straitjacket than a bludgeon) but this is more subtle and more difficult to portray in a visual format
These are really good points. Sometimes the line between a supposedly submissive act and the kind of soft dominance I’m into gets really blurred, and my brain exploits this ambiguity by creating a soft dominant narrative for it. Combined with the association between dominance and aggression, it’s not clear that that “dominant” or “femdom” are good search terms for me to be using at all, because excluding it often leads to gentler dynamics. Often I find that what imagery I enjoy depends more on my subjective reinterpretation of it rather than what the creators originally intended for it to be.
By far the best I have is my own writing and imagination that convey the mood perfectly. That’s how I was able to figure out what I was even attracted to in the first place. And now I find myself alone on this little island asking, “Am I truly the only one like this? How is it possible that with all of the weird and wacky stuff on the Internet, something as simple as this is nowhere to be found?”
I appreciate Rachel Pollack’s commentary in 78 Degrees of Wisdom, on the Strength card for just this reason.
I feel like this is somewhat a common characterization within WLW/lesbian spaces. A stronger, surer, but golden retriever of a woman is definitely something I’ve seen a lot of.
In terms of a hetero couple, though, that’s a lot harder, especially within NSFW spaces. In terms of NSFW stuff, a lot of it is from a male gaze, so the potentially emasculating character of a protector woman I imagine is going to be extremely hard to find. Maybe look for genderbent things if you’re looking for that specific likeness in a hetero relationship. I imagine there’s probably a fair amount of that out there - but still probably more obscure. Like a female Superman and male Lois Lane would be something I imagine would fit what you’re looking for? (For a lesbian version, Supergirl x Lena Luthor have a small but strong fanbase)
Good luck!
It does exist, but it’s not common. My guess as to that its multifaceted. First and biggest is obviously sexism. Women are seen as weak and mean expected to take care of them. Anything other than this is taboo, and in more conservative areas, seen as wrong. The only reason it’s at all accepted in kink is that its purely behind closed doors, so people get less chance to attack it. I also think that most women just enjoy the status quo. Whether this is because women like to be submissive, or just that people in general like to be submissive and women don’t have to hide it is impossible to tell. Regardless, a lot of people are perfectly happy with the current expectations. Finally, I think its just momentum. It takes time for things to change.
If you do want to find more stuff like this, the main terms to look for are, “role reversal” for nuclear-family-esk relationships with reversed gender roles, “female led relationship” for generally more intense women in charge, or “gentle femdom” for more gentle and caring stuff, but more sex focused. As much as I hate to recommend it, Reddit is probably the best spot to look, seeing as there isn’t really any other aggregators for something that niche and taboo.
What do you mean by “online media”?
NSFW sites, image boards, social media, fanfiction sites… basically anywhere people can post stuff.
I’m interested in the broader social phenomenon (or lack thereof) in general. Are there broader social or business reasons why content like this is so rare? Is it just the lack of a widely-used term that makes it hard to find dynamics like this? (Could siloing things into discrete labels be making it harder to find variety?) Things like that.
Idk much about it but do you know what “vores” are?
I think you’re looking for a female pleasure Dom.
